She said I won the battle but I lost the war,
And now my head is sore,
And if I try and sail back in she's gonna push me from the shore,
Now I wont ever get the time or day,
No way no way no,
Not from what I said but from what I didn't say
~The Script - "If You See Kay"
And now my head is sore,
And if I try and sail back in she's gonna push me from the shore,
Now I wont ever get the time or day,
No way no way no,
Not from what I said but from what I didn't say
~The Script - "If You See Kay"
I've been waiting to write this post for a while. Now I could give you the whole - I've been too busy excuse - which is partially true. But more likely it's the - I have no idea how to word this post.
I've been really hurt the last couple of weeks but something really good seems to have come out of if. Is it possible that I've grown a backbone?? I mean seriously. This person is the one person I used to no be able to get mad at. I was so used to apologizing - even when it wasn't my fault but for once I am perfectly happy with the way I handled it. Sure I miss him but you know what - if someone thinks that little of me and my feelings then maybe that person doesn't actually mean as much to me and he used to. While the simple lie by omission I would have probably gotten over - even the first excuse he gave I could have taken and eventually been okay with - after time.
But he made me into some incredibly selfish person when he described how he thought I would react. I want the best for my firends - no matter how it affects me and my friendship with them. And by the way - I have no idea why this thing he kept from me would have effected us. After two days I was done crying - if he thinks I'm that bad of a person then why is he even friends with me? Why keep up the charade - there's plenty of other people in my life that accept me the way I am and love me for it. Maybe the friendship we have is just in my head - the way I remember it in high school. Even up until break I would tell him everything I was thinking - or feeling - and maybe that was my downfall? Maybe he didn't actually care. But I could have taken that if he came out and said that to me.
I'm just kinda done - I've said that to my roommate Sarah a couple of times. I'm done apologizing for things that I didn't do. I'm done masking my emotions from people. I'm done crying over people who don't care about me. I'm just done.
If this person apologized - like really apologized - not just saying sorry - then maybe I would "get over it"? But for now I'm standing strong. And you know what - it feels really good to be the strong one for once. As much as it hurts - at least I have some form of control - I won't let myself be put back into a situation where I am kept in the dark again - if I can help it.
The sad thing is - some really great things have been happening in my life recently and I want to put them in here but i think they would be overshadowed by some of the other things I've said. So I will leave it at this - I leave for London and Paris in 95 days with one of my best friends - how much better does it get? My roommate and I are closer than ever. My best friend from grade school Laura and I are hopefully seeing each other this weekend and she is coming up to stay for the weekend soon. I'm going home this weekend to just hang with my family. My birthday is in 24 days. And I found the perfect internship for the summer. I'm focusing on the positives from now on. End of story.
Much love and hugs to all,
Chrissy
Days until London: 95
Doctor Who Episode: season 3 episode 7 - "42"
Shots of Espresso: 12
I've been really hurt the last couple of weeks but something really good seems to have come out of if. Is it possible that I've grown a backbone?? I mean seriously. This person is the one person I used to no be able to get mad at. I was so used to apologizing - even when it wasn't my fault but for once I am perfectly happy with the way I handled it. Sure I miss him but you know what - if someone thinks that little of me and my feelings then maybe that person doesn't actually mean as much to me and he used to. While the simple lie by omission I would have probably gotten over - even the first excuse he gave I could have taken and eventually been okay with - after time.
But he made me into some incredibly selfish person when he described how he thought I would react. I want the best for my firends - no matter how it affects me and my friendship with them. And by the way - I have no idea why this thing he kept from me would have effected us. After two days I was done crying - if he thinks I'm that bad of a person then why is he even friends with me? Why keep up the charade - there's plenty of other people in my life that accept me the way I am and love me for it. Maybe the friendship we have is just in my head - the way I remember it in high school. Even up until break I would tell him everything I was thinking - or feeling - and maybe that was my downfall? Maybe he didn't actually care. But I could have taken that if he came out and said that to me.
I'm just kinda done - I've said that to my roommate Sarah a couple of times. I'm done apologizing for things that I didn't do. I'm done masking my emotions from people. I'm done crying over people who don't care about me. I'm just done.
If this person apologized - like really apologized - not just saying sorry - then maybe I would "get over it"? But for now I'm standing strong. And you know what - it feels really good to be the strong one for once. As much as it hurts - at least I have some form of control - I won't let myself be put back into a situation where I am kept in the dark again - if I can help it.
The sad thing is - some really great things have been happening in my life recently and I want to put them in here but i think they would be overshadowed by some of the other things I've said. So I will leave it at this - I leave for London and Paris in 95 days with one of my best friends - how much better does it get? My roommate and I are closer than ever. My best friend from grade school Laura and I are hopefully seeing each other this weekend and she is coming up to stay for the weekend soon. I'm going home this weekend to just hang with my family. My birthday is in 24 days. And I found the perfect internship for the summer. I'm focusing on the positives from now on. End of story.
Much love and hugs to all,
Chrissy
Days until London: 95
Doctor Who Episode: season 3 episode 7 - "42"
Shots of Espresso: 12
0 comments:
Post a Comment